Courting Humour

Courting Humour

By

J.L. Gupta

 

Law is serious business. But humour is healthy. In the tense environment of the court room, a smile is a good cosmetic. When men are fighting for survival, a word in a lighter vein lightens the fight. When served like caviar, in small elegant portions, repartee can be really rewarding.

Land usually leads to litigation. A friend, heir apparent to a large estate, had a legal problem. So he came from his village to fight it out in court. He lodged himself in my house. Every morning he left early to meet his lawyer and then to go to the court. In the evening, he invariably had a new tale to tell. Or, at least whatever he could recall after a couple of drinks.

 

The first day, he narrated the case of a professor who was arguing his own case. He made an impassioned appeal. In chaste English, “My Lord, Your Lordship cannot permit the system to inflict injustice upon a law-abiding citizen. We have so many laws in this country. A statute for almost every situation. Yet, there is so much delay. A never-ending trial of human patience. I cannot be allowed to die of thirst in the midst of so much water.”

 

            There was pin-drop silence. Things seemed to be getting serious. The judge took off his reading glasses and solemnly surveyed the courtroom. Looking at the man who was standing at the bar, he asked, “Professor, what is your field of learning? Where are you teaching?”

 

            “I have not read a book. I have never taught a word, my Lord.”

 

            “Then how do you write Professor with your name?”

 

            “It is just like the word ‘Honourable’ with Your Lordship’s name. It does not mean a thing.”

 

******

The Judge is paid to sit quietly and listen patiently. But there have been some exceptions who talked incessantly. One day, the judge had a bad throat. Indeed, very bad. He had virtually lost his voice. In the evening, at a social, a lawyer noticed the judge’s difficulty. And then he asked, “Does it mean that tomorrow, we shall be allowed to have our say without any interruption?”

 

******

 

Next day, the things seemed to have been even livelier. A priest was in the dock. The judge seemed to be unhappy with him. In a sharp tone, he told the holy man, “If your conscience were as big as your beard, you would have never done what you have been charged with.”

 

“My Lord, may I very humbly and with all respect ask, why Your Lordship has no beard?”

 

******

Day three. My friend went to the court as usual. Came back with another story. The judge heard the learned counsel very patiently but, did not seem to find any merit in the argument. With a stern look, the judge asked the man.”You seriously suspect that I am a fool and that I shall swallow whatever you serve?”

 

            “Very difficult choice, My Lord. I dare not even open my mouth to attempt  an answer. If I tell the truth, I shall be guilty of contempt. If not, I am likely to be hauled up for perjury.”

 

 

******

 

The lawyer was convinced about the merits of his client’s case. He tried everything in his armoury to persuade the Judge to appreciate his submission. The Judge was equally firm and announced that “Whatever you are saying comes in through the right ear and goes out through the left.”

The lawyer took a deep breath and said “Please forgive me. I didn’t realise that there was nothing in between the two ears to stop the outward flow.”

 

******

Mr. C.K. Daphtary, an eminent lawyer was arguing a case before the Supreme Court. Suddenly, there was an interruption in power supply. In the dark, the presiding Judge observed: “Look ... where have your arguments led us to?” Almost simultaneously, the “lamp on the Chief Justice’s table flickered and  ... there was light. Quick came Mr. Daphtary’s response: My Lords! Light has come where it is needed most.”

 

******

Another lawyer, known for his professional ability and quick wit was appearing before a Bench of the Supreme Court. He was relying upon a decision of the House of Lords. The Judge said, “Come on. You come here wearing a dhoti and talk of the House of Lords. They wear proper morning trousers and tail-coats.”

“My Lords, whether we wear dhoti or morning trouser, the underlying principle is the same”.